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Life is Scary

Please read and share. Reblogs are welcome to spread the word on this very important subject.

October is a scary month. There is Halloween of course. But it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic violence is a frightening thing. It seems to permeate our society. We think it is only happening to other people. Other as in “poor, other races or cultures, or lower ‘class’ people. Certainly not our middle class friends or family.


Domestic violence does not discriminate.

I was a young bride from a well known solid middle class white church going family. Then the unthinkable happened. My husband shoved me. I hit my head and it bled as head wounds bleed. What had I done? I thought it had to have been my fault. I would be a better wife. He apologized and said he would never do that again. He told me how much he loved me. I believed him.

Until it happened again. At his parents house out of state. He took my daughter after he hit me and I said I would leave him. I was distraught. I would have done anything he said to get her back. I went to his family. In case you’ve ever questioned it, blood ALWAYS wins. I thought his sister and I were best friends. They all thought I was lying and I evidently did something to provoke him. Somehow it was my fault. His dad even said “you kids work this out”.

We did. Kinda. For a short time. Until it happened again.

I gathered up my daughters things and did the only thing I knew to do. I went to see my dad. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I was admitting to failure. I was asking my dad for money to file for divorce. I refused to live like that. You see, I was strong enough to say no more. I was one of the lucky ones. I got away. It wasn’t easy.

My daughter was a victim of date abuse. As a DV victim myself I should have recognized the signs. I missed them all. She left him and he was out of her life without tragic outcomes.

I don’t know the exact statistics but I think it is something like 1 in 4 women will experience abuse. Power and control don’t always mean beating to a bloody pulp (although many times it escalates to that).

Last night I was reminded that it can happen anywhere. Andrea called me sobbing. A mother’s first response is that something is horribly wrong. Her first words were “I’m okay mom. And Soren’s okay”. Still I knew it was something horrible.

I was visiting my dad so I stepped from the room because I didn’t know what was wrong but wanted to filter it before he worried.

She told me a story of hearing her neighbors screaming and yelling at each other a lot. She said she generally couldn’t hear what they were yelling but knew if she thought he was hitting her or threatening, she would call the police. She never called because she didn’t feel it was warranted.

Then she told me she had been out of town for a couple of days and returned home after picking Soren up from school. Her neighborhood was crawling with cops. They wanted to talk to her about her neighbors. She only talked to them outside so Soren didn’t overhear. They said it was an ongoing investigation and couldn’t tell her what was going on. She called the landlord to get more information.

The man in the apartment downstairs allegedly (he’s in custody but I suppose there’s a chance he didn’t do it) beat his two year old to death. The couple’s three month old was taken into protective custody with CPS. Andrea says the mother is missing.

Part of me is glad she wasn’t home to witness this. Part of me knows she would have called police and may have saved this child’s life. I just know she is feeling guilty for not calling it in before. I told her not to feel guilty. She would have intervened if she had felt the need.

I’m glad my family is safe. But feel horrible for this family. Children should never have to worry about being safe with their parents. I hope the mom is found and is safe and I hope she wasn’t involved.

Domestic Violence is everybody’s business. It impacts us all.

Please read and share. Reblogs are welcome to spread the word on this very important subject.


Comments on: "Life is Scary" (15)

  1. Reblogged this on Poetry by Pamela and commented:

    Please read this about this important subject. Share. Let’s spread the word on domestic violence.

  2. Reblogged this on S.K. Nicholls and commented:
    October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. These sort of things happen every minute of every day. Don’t turn your back on spreading the word.

  3. georgiakevin said:

    My heart felt sympathy and my deepest respect. It takes someone very strong to rise above the horrors of lifes’ experiences the way you do and it takes a great heart to reach out to others the way you are doing. Keep on on keeping on. I am deeply impressed.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story, Pamela. For a few years, I volunteered at a shelter for battered women. I’ve tried to help women who have killed their abusive partners. You are so right that domestic violence does not discriminate. And with many of the women I met, I often thought to myself, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

    You can’t always tell when a yelling match is going to escalate into violence. Andrea shouldn’t feel guilty. It sounds like she thought the fighting was just between the adults. No one wants to think that a child would be harmed, not to the point of death. It seems inconceivable and yet it does happen. Even if Andrea had been home, there’s no way to know that she would have been able to intervene or that she would have known to. There’s a lot of guessing here. And, frankly, if she had called at an earlier time, would it have saved anyone? We just don’t know.

    If the man is guilty, then I hope there’s a special place in hell for him.

    • Marie, those “special hell” words are ones I spoke last night. My heart breaks when children are abused and killed.

      • Florida newspapers have been filled lately with stories of abused and killed children. An investigation by the Miami-Herald turned up 477 child deaths due to abuse or neglect since Jan. 1, 2008. Many, if not all, of these deaths could have been prevented if state authorities had done the right thing. In so many cases, neighbors like Andrea did the right thing, the only thing they could do: they made the call. But the authorities failed to protect the children. Florida has a lot to be ashamed about.

  5. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please share Pamela’s story and message.

  6. Thank you for sharing your story, Pamela. Your words might help someone in need.

  7. Thank you for sharing your own personal experience with DV. I’m thankful that God gave you the strength to get away from him. Hopefully, your story will encourage others to take that first step too!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story and for highlighting this issue. A good friend of mine who is a judge and as you can imagine a pillar in the community was herself the victim of domestic abuse – and she kept quiet about it for years.

  9. I’m almost in tears right now.
    I’m so unbelievably sorry to hear all that – your personal experiences, your daughter’s, and also what’s going on in her neighborhood.
    I do think this is one of those issues that’s generally ‘swept under the rug,’ with people having the mindset that it doesn’t happen as often as it actually does. That’s such a shame.
    I know how hard it is to share personal stories like this, especially when it comes to something SO public as blogging. Domestic violence is an issue that’s near and dear to my heart due to my own experiences with it. It was really brave of you to share your story.
    You’re right though. You ARE one of the lucky ones, to have gotten out of it. I’m so glad I did the same.
    I think about it sometimes, about all the people out there who experience it. And it’s not just women. It’s children. MEN as well, which I’m not sure a lot of people ever really contemplate. It pretty much rips my heart out to think about it, and about the people who DON’T or CAN’T get out of those situations.
    I feel like I could talk forever about this, and I don’t want to keep you. I’ll just say that I sincerely wish – with absolutely every little bit of my heart – people wouldn’t believe the, “It won’t ever happen again,” line. More often than not? Yes, it will.
    It’s so sad, and life is VERY scary. đŸ˜¦

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